Rules and Recommendations:
- You are not to use any electronic Global Positioning System (GPS) navigation - Complete this list with a friend (preferably with whom you are not close with) - Use an unlimited daily oyster card - Bring a water bottle and hydrate - Bring your guts, leave your pride - Stay sexy, don’t get murdered Alfie’s Antique Market 13 - 25 Church St, London NW8 8DT Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday 10:00 AM - 6:00 PM Take the Bakerloo Line to Edgware Road. Walk a couple of blocks to Church Street and find Alfie’s Antique Market. Breeze through the bottom floor and walk up the staircase, though not without taking a scan of the rusted silver platters, beautiful yet faded paintings from a century ago, and grandmother’s unclaimed jewelry. The first task is to find a sketch from the 1920s. Not a painting, barely a drawing, simply a pencil-driven sketch showcasing characters in theatrical costumes. If a man is selling the pieces, ask about his hat. Perhaps we will be mutually acquainted with such a vendor, perhaps we won’t, either way, I can guarantee a hat of sorts upon a man selling pencil-driven sketches. So, ask about it. Use your new friendship to bargain for the piece, though do not purchase it. Honestly, what use do you have for a pencil-driven sketch showcasing characters in theatrical costumes from the 1920s, your only job is to find it. Make your way up to the top floor and seek out Linda Bee’s Vintage Jewelry and Fashion. Ask about her father who used to manufacture crocodile purses on Tottenham Road. Try on her plaid items. Allow Linda, an alleged friend of Vivian Westwood, to style you through her old-school fashion-trained lens. Now that you’ve been styled and may have acquired some rusty silverware to work with, it is time for lunch. Camden Market 54-56 Camden Lock Pl, London NW1 8AF Monday-Sunday, 10:00 AM - 6:00 PM A straight shot on the Northern Line to Camden Town. Get off the train and you are inevitably in Camden Town, London. Take a right. Strut the rainbow crosswalk and walk straight. Admire the piercings, tattoos, ice cream, and giant shoe wonderland. Once a bridge over troubled water is in view, to the right of that should be several food stalls, unless they are blocked by the steam of thirty grills cooking. Round the corner just before the green overpass with handcrafted orange and yellow lettering that read; “Camden Lock.” If you walk under the bridge, you are alone. I can not help you there. Assuming you turned left before the overpass, browse the blockading jackets for a moment or two. There may be a good one but there just as well may not. It’s a good thing you’re here to eat, rather than be warm. Scan through the vendors and if the aisles are empty, walk close enough to where you can be hollered at, for free samples will be handed out. Remember, it is alright to devour a sample and walk away. It is alright, I promise, it is alright. Here is your opportunity to enjoy a British meal while straying from beans for breakfast or London’s finest over-fried fish. Locate the Spanish vendor selling Yorkshire Burritos. Learn what that means. Ask the vendor why he came from Spain to sell Yorkshire Burritos, and ask if he regrets it. While the answer may not be interesting, how funny will that be if you meet someone for the first time and immediately ask about their regrettable life choices? Afterward, settle your stomach with £1 apple tea at the surrounding Turkish shop, and enjoy the complimentary homemade Turkish delight gifted on a silver platter. Allow the sweetness of the powdered sugar to linger on the roof of your mouth for your next tube ride, and until your future delight later in the day, but only if you behave. Southbank Book Market Waterloo Bridge, 337-338 Belvedere Rd, London Monday-Sunday, 10:00 AM - 6:00 PM Hop back on the Northern Line. Ride the tube to Waterloo station, while humming ABBA’s “Waterloo” throughout the entirety of the nine-stop journey. Once the tube arrives at Tottenham Court, allow the humming to bloom into words. Once arrived at Charing Cross, two stops before your destination, you should be in full karaoke mode yelling the lyrics. Do not worry, for you will never cross paths with these people again. If you do, all publicity is good publicity. This is only practicing for later, you’ll see. Once the tube has reached Waterloo station, exit the tube while minding the gap. If your exit is not accompanied by applause, your singing was not loud enough. Go back to Camden Town, and try again, this time to Sugg’s “Camden Town.” Assuming you were talented enough to nail it on the first go, exit at Waterloo station. Make your way to the river Thames, and turn right. Stop at the rows of tables filled with books, for you have reached the Southbank Book Market. Browse the scattered pages. Inhale the aroma of old books freed from the stuffy receptacle they are happily liberated from eight hours of the day and exhale into the wind carried over from the river, encircling under the bridge. Find one of the two shop owners and ask if they have any publications that showcase sex. Yes, sex. It may be wrestling in the nude, and it very well may be an encyclopedia for sex. Perhaps even a sexual dictionary. Whatever the possibilities, it is there and you will become childishly giddy. Once that mission is complete, scan the wooden fold-up tables for posters, observer’s dictionaries, novels, comics, and anything that may suit your fancy. Stand straight while hunching over at the neck and read. Read as much as you can whilst not purchasing anything until you fall in love with a page. Only then may you pull out the pounds. Now, let’s walk. Borough Market 8 Southwark St, London SE1 1TL Monday-Friday, 10:00 AM - 5:00 PM, Saturday, 8:00 AM - 5:00 For just a moment, walk backward to the graffiti skate park and watch teenagers at their best. Wish you were the roller skater jumping off the ramps and spinning in the air, drop your jaw at the twelve-year-old skateboarder doing kick-flips down the center staircase and kick flipping off the metal poles. Don’t break too long, you can’t watch forever. It becomes creepy Continue walking along the Thames, away from Waterloo station, away from the graffiti skate park, and towards Shakespeare’s Globe. I hope you are a fast walker. Once you come across an alley that looks like the turn leads to Borough Market, enter such a shortcut, and you are, alas, inside of Borough Market. Follow the signs that lead to “hot food,” which will bring you to a square with large steps on the right, and talented chefs in the middle. Hear me out, and this may be difficult, but you will have to be the loser who orders the vegetarian option at the pork specialist. Specifically, “the Black Pig.” Restrain from the pork charring on the grill and order “The Veggie One.” Before you order, ask the man how his day is for a smile and complementary sauce. Ask for the spiciest toppings possible. If you despise spiciness, exit my scavenger hunt. When your name is called and the sandwich is received, tell them it’s your favorite meal in the world, then ask about their business. Bonus points if they are crowded that day. After gobbling one of London’s hidden delicacies, time for another. Back through one of many vestibules that can be considered entrances is the Turkish vendor with Turkish coffee. Order a double, and prevent yourself from adding sugar for street credentials. Your sugar lies in the Turkish delight you will sample on the side. I am so sorry, I prefer supporting small businesses but since you are already purchasing a coffee, asking for one single delight instead of buying a box will be nicer to the wallet, unless you find yourself obsessed, in which case I understand. But wait, there’s more. Continue in a straight line inwards to the market for a fresh cup of strawberries. Agree to add chocolate on top and watch as the chocolate fountain drizzles atop the fresh red fruit, and do not think about that documentary where caterpillars were coming out of the holes in the strawberries. Whatever you do, do not think about it. Pull up your pants, let's get on a boat. Greenwich Market 5B Greenwich Market, London SE10 9HZ Monday-Sunday, 10:00 AM - 5:30 PM Walk back towards whence you came to Waterloo, but this time stops at the boat dock rather than a train station. I believe in your ability to decipher the difference. Find the Thames Clippers water vessel that may advertise “Uber Boat.” Step onto the barge and sit. Seat yourself outside at first, though you do not have to remain there for the entirety of the trip. Especially in cold or extreme winds, nobody will judge you. Exit the boat at Greenwich, though first; a dare. Spot the hanging black spiral wire with a handheld speaker at its tail. Notice how the Clippers’ crew uses it to make announcements. Before you exit, take hold of the speaker device. This is where your practice becomes important because now you will sing “Waterloo” to the pedestrians and crew of the vessel. Only for a moment or two, because then you will be kicked off of the boat. The good news is that you are at your designated spot and taking the tube back, so there is no reason for this task to be incomplete. Once you are away from sea level and back onto the pavement, walk around the grand patch of green and onward towards the Greenwich Market. Get another coffee, you probably need it, and scan the vendors’ selections of antique and/or handcrafted goods. Find three vendors whose products are the opposite of interesting to you, and ask about their background. There are three questions you shall desire to know; their customer pet peeves, the superpower of choice if given the chance, and whether or not London is an efficient city to live in as a small-time business owner. Find an antique owner selling minuscule harmonicas and charcoal black flutes that long ago were silver. Play them through a distanced blow because if you put your mouth onto these ancient instruments, I can not help you there either. Stand there and play a couple of tunes before the seller becomes aggravated in realizing you are not purchasing the deteriorating instruments. Put them down, thank him, and exit the market. Explore Greenwich and view London at its highest peak near the observatory. Don’t take too long though, because it’s time to style your lunch outfit. The Brick Lane Vintage Market 85 Brick Ln, London E1 6QL Monday-Saturday, 11:00 AM - 6:00 PM, Sunday, 10:00 AM- 6:00 PM Find your way to Brick Lane on the opposite side of Central London. Push through the occupied streets and pay attention to the signs that navigate you toward the Brick Lane Vintage Market. Go down under and submerge yourself in the never-ending walk through a maze of vintage and overpriced clothing. Gawk at the handcrafted pants and dresses hanging about the walls, try on and admire the jackets, and style yourself to feel as if you are in another decade. Ask the sellers what got them interested in clothing and their qualifications. Pretend to know exactly what they’re talking about and agree with everything they say. Disagree with the clothing choices they are most passionate about, just to show you know what is going on, and to form a bond. Possibly make an enemy, but only if you’re doing it wrong. Hungry? Begin at the food portion, but only on Sundays. Peruse the scented steam from primarily Asian and African cuisines in the halls of the Brick Lane food market. Once again, take advantage of the free samples pushed your way and again, remind yourself that you do not have to station yourself at an unfavored stall simply because of kindness. Eat what your heart craves. End your lunch with chai tea. Watch the man make your whole cup from scratch and long pour the beige liquid into your paper cup. Carry the nectar from the Heavens with you, and walk back downstairs to the clothing emporium. Browse the front left corner and stay within the aisles. Keep walking and walking until the colorless walls say you no longer can. Precisely, run into the £10 rack and be dramatic about the physical pain you are not in. Look hard for the perfect overcoat that you don’t realize is perfect at the top and becomes too oversized as it veers triangularly towards the crotch. Fight in the mirror for it to look acceptable. Ask the lady. Tell her you need more opinions, as this is a £10 purchase. Keep asking for opinions until she pulls out her son. Keep it together when you come to learn that this woman brings her son to disagree with her fashion choices, and tells customers their choices are heinous, and therefore keep them shopping in the store for reassurance of honesty. Thank the family and move on. Track down the salesperson with a rack of contemporary upcycled clothing. Run your grubby fingers through the plastic tube tops and shoelace skirts. Ask about the purpose behind the material for the clothing. How long would wearing them would actually last? Are these dry clean only or can they be thrown in the wash? These are the questions I have wondered each time, yet no merchant was ever present to ask, so I leave it up to you. Spitalfields Market 56 Brushfield St, London E1 6AA Monday-Friday, 8:00 AM - 11:00 PM, Sat & Sun, 9:00 AM-11:00 PM Great market, yet can be summed up as a “lesser Brick Lane.” It’s down the street and on the way to Liverpool station, so make your rounds, negotiate, and do not purchase. It really stirs the pot for the purveyors at these markets. Find the t-shirts and hats vendor phasing out the customers while reading an early edition of James Joyce’s Ulysses. She’s squinting and grinning as she disappears from the market and finds herself in Dublin, where the book takes place. She is happy. Interrupt her. Grill her about her products, ask about her readings, and exit her shop mic dropping a single compliment after ruining one of her few moments of happiness. Next door is the jewelry merchant reorganizing and redisplaying the toe rings, not before trying them on as if she hasn’t before. Scatter them. Not in a rude way, not in a pushy way, but follow her actions and try each ring on every finger. Double stack if you must. Triple stack if you can cover an entire pinky if you will. Ask her which is her favorite and question her on the difficulties of being in the ring business. Demand that she gets to know Ulysses next door and suggest she read the book as well so they can form a private book club when lacking customers. Bloomsbury Market Torrington Square, London WC1H 0AB Thursday, 9:00 AM - 2:00 PM Your lunch is close to home, down the street from Goodge station, and just before Gordon Square Park; the Bloomsbury Market. Be careful now, for if you attend the area any day of the week other than Thursday, you will be disappointed by the empty concrete square, and it does not taste as appetizing as it looks. Befriend the couple who sells the wraps in the top right corner. Order the spinach and cheese and ask for the spiciest sauce to be drizzled on. If you despise spiciness, exit my scavenger hunt. Do not fill up, because next are the Afghan wraps down the market, where again, you will ask for “extra spicy” to which they will smile, make fun of you, and you will take it like a champion. Ask the difference between their boxes and wraps, and ask which gets sold the most. Order both. End at the German bakery for dessert. Ask for many bags because of all the food you have just obtained, or talk to him while you struggle to carry everything, and wait for him to offer. The choice is yours. Ask him about Germany, and discuss the ingredients of each pastry. Show interest in the items that look the least desirable to you and eat them. The man just gave you free bags, it’s the least you can do. Roll yourself down the street and back to 35 Gower, with a full tummy and a new wardrobe. It’s 2:00 pm, Billy’s almost done with dinner.
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